just tell him i said nine months
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
