I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
