so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize
