ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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