I could make wine with my vomit
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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