In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
