You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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