conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
