someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
