I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
