How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize