somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
