what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
