when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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