all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
