I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize