I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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