I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Randomize
