yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
