i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
