I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
