While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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