he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
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Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
