Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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