He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
