woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
