The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I am mentally ready for anal.
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