I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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