I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
