He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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