my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
