He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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