Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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