Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize