We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
