Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
