You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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