Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
