Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just want to make out with him forever
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
