My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
