I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I had to cum in my sink.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
