All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
