I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
