My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize