I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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