we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
