What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
