I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
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