Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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