Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
