So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize