what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
