My hair reeks of homosexuality.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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