Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
