I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
