Say something about gay babies.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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