He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize