Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
