PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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