Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I currently don't understand fingers.
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